Joshua Opened Me Back Up....

Josh's death has brought about alot of feelings for me that I had been holding deep inside. I will forver miss you and remember your spirt and how you always could make a nothing moment into something amazing. Love you always.


To You
Flashbacks to the days of 14.
We were young,
Free, encouraged to live and deam.
We did
drugs, drank, and smoked.
We were carefree, living
the dream.

So here I am
Pressing black to line my eyes.
Finally
I sprunk a leak, and
broke down to feel the water clense my face.
I feel
guilt and pain for who I am
and who I've become?

I got clean, I changed my act.
I am living the "American dream".
Stress, work, status, school.
Proving to all the norms,
How normal I really am.

But who were they,
when I was me
beside you?
They say true friends stay.
They say true friends walk away.

But instead here I am
lining my eyes with black.
So that the leaks may pour.
Streaming
my black insides
to the outside.
So those people,
these norms,
they understand, maybe
try and comprehend.
I was you
there with me
and now I am here
and I have lost you.

10 Pound Cat
Three A.M.
and I wake.
Alone, in my dark room
with tears
rolling
down my face,
wrenching of my stomach
while my heart
attepmts to jump
from my chest.
As my body disassembles,
angry with one another.
It makes room for the truth,
of loss,
to settle deep down
within.

I woke this morning
the sound
of winter rain outside
my window.
With the pressure
of a ten pound cat
on my chest.
Wait, that is just my cat.
No, it's the truth.
You are gone.
There is nothing to do, but
carry on.

Today I will sit alone,
in my room,
with my ten pound cat,
listening to the rain.
Trying to accept the weight
in my chest.

8 Thousand Decorative Pillows
It is so hard,
to keep a life
together.
When you know
it will all just,
come undone again.
I don't think it is fair
that so many
good souls
have gone.

I make my bed
in the morning.
Placing the 8 thousand
decorative pillows,
the decorative throw,
and the body size pillow
acting like a headboard.
Just to remove the 8 thousand
decorative pillows,
the decorative throw,
and the body size pillow
that acts like my headboard
To get back in at night
and fall asleep
alone.

I keep pushing
on with
their love in my heart.
I'll keep pushing
on,
to keep their spirit alive
within me.
I'll keep pushing those
with the choice
to keep it all
together.
Move forward.
Share your love
with those
you have left
behind.
Without the ability
to the the beauty
of your spirits
to overthrow their
understanding of what
it is to live.
We are all that is
left of you.

I will wake in the A.M.
Placing the 8 thousand decorative pillows,
the decorative throw,
a body size pillow that just plays a part
in all of this,
and top the bed with
a knitten quilt
made at the hands of
my late Grandmother.
To remind me why
I push.
Carrying the love of
lost souls.